9 Relationship Books You Need and One You Don't

“The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives.”

I am quoting my favorite relationship expert and psychotherapist, Esther Perel, and I couldn't agree more. I have spent the past 12 years in long-term relationships, gaining profound insights into relationships and myself.

Along the way, I have garnered resources that have helped me truly deepen my understanding of human connections. Whether you're single, dating, in a committed partnership, or going through a breakup, there's something for you.

I believe that the impact of a book largely depends on where you're at in your journey, so I'm going to share my subjective experience, and takeaways, and recommend when a certain book can help you the most. Each title contains a link to the book.

Let's dive in!

1. Yes, No, Maybe: How to Recognize and Overcome Fear of Commitment

This was the first book that introduced me to attachment styles, the inner child, and the complexities of fear of commitment. It is by a German psychologist, and it's not very gentle. It read like a slap in the face that I needed at the time. The first time I read it, I thought, "My ex-partner has a fear of commitment!". The second time I read it, I realized that I had a fear of commitment.

If you don't integrate your shadow, you'll end up dating it. 😉

Recommended if: you grapple with a fear of commitment.

2. The Passion Trap: How to Right an Unbalanced Relationship

This book was a relief to read. While many books have a serious, pathologizing tone, this one normalizes and sheds light on relational dynamics in a pretty lighthearted way. It sheds light on power dynamics in relationships.

Recommended if: you find yourself in push-pull situations.

3. Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment

A solid and comprehensive primer on relationships based on twenty years of experience counseling more than a thousand couples. It seemed pretty basic to me, but I assume that if I had not read tons of books on the subject, it would have been very impactful.

Recommended if: you have not delved into this topic before and would like a good starting point.

4. The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity

I'm obsessed with everything Esther Perel releases. Her ability to navigate distinct contexts and cultural narratives is so intellectually satisfying. This book is the most comprehensive piece on the reasons behind infidelity based on her extensive research and work with couples.

Recommended if: you're dealing with betrayal or you're baffled by your desire for someone outside your partnership.

5. Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence

Another great read by Esther Perel, this book explores sexual desire in long-term partnerships. It dives into the paradox of domesticity and desire.

Recommended if: you want to keep passion alive in a committed partnership.

6. Where Should We Begin? (A Podcast)

Did I mention I'm obsessed with Esther Perel? This is not a book, but a podcast series of real therapy sessions with couples. It's complex, raw, and insightful.

Recommended if: you're interested in psychology, relationships, and navigating connection.

7. Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

I've heard the poly community proclaim that a pattern of serial monogamy might be a sign that you're non-monogamous, and there was a time when I was questioning everything. Not only was this book great at helping me understand that polyamory is not for me, but it also has great chapters on how to have a great relationship, regardless of orientation.

This book also contains the best explanation of attachment styles that I have come across in a book format.

Recommended if: you're exploring non-monogamy or seeking a primer on attachment styles.

8. Anti-Recommendation: Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find--and Keep-- Love

Having talked about a book that does a great job explaining attachment styles, I want to comment on a wildly popular book that fails to do so effectively.

I like to imagine that the author was hurt by an avoidant person and was still processing it, because avoidant partners are painted in such a bad light. I was avoidant at the time of reading the book, but I could not relate to the book at all, mistook myself for being secure, and put the whole topic of attachment theory aside.

Luckily, one of my favorite mentors, Heidi Priebe, went on to study for a master's in Attachment Theory and created the best information on the topic on the Internet on her YouTube channel.

In one of her videos, she suggested that the avoidant attachment style could be renamed to "oblivious" because they think that they're fine — it's the other people who have issues! She also mentioned that she could release a full video just ranting about this book, and I can see why.

I wish I had not taken a detour from exploring attachment after reading this book, because it is one of the most important topics when it comes to relationships. If you did not grow up witnessing healthy love, healing your attachment style is foundational.

Recommendation: Ditch this book and dive into Heidi's channel if you want to become secure in love.

9. The Fantasy Bond: Structure of Psychological Defenses

This book is etched into my mind because, in one of her videos, Heidi Priebe said, “My life is split into before and after I read this book.” When one of the people from whom I have learned the most says something monumental, my ears perk up.

This book is great if you find yourself in trauma bonds and want to understand the psychological mechanisms that lie beneath.

The book is also a bit dense. I did not finish reading it because trauma bonds are no longer an issue for me, and I have nothing left to solve in the realm of relationships. However, I do plan to return to it because I love understanding things deeply.

Recommended if: you find yourself in unhealthy attachment and relationship dynamics.

10. The Wild Woman's Way: Unlock Your Full Potential for Pleasure, Power, and Fulfillment

This book is not focused solely on relationships, but on reconnecting to your body's wisdom as a woman. I did find the one chapter on relationships to be brilliant.

Recommended if: you seek deeper intimacy.

Conclusion

There you have it—my go-to books, one podcast, and one book to avoid for understanding and improving relationships. Each of these resources has offered me unique insights and practical advice that have made a real difference in my life.

I’d love to hear about your experiences with these books or any other relationship resources that have been meaningful to you. Your thoughts are welcome @foreveronthemove on IG. Just send me a DM.

Happy reading and listening!